dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
