How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
