i don't like sucking hair
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
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