Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
