To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
