Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I look better un-naked...
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
