I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
