It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
