it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
only you would photoshop your dick
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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