I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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