I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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