you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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