I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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