My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
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