My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
