A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize