Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
