I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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