This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
