I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I just blew my weed a kiss
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
