there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
