We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
