my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
