We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
