Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
