allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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