Your dad touched me again.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
