Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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