If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
only if we run a train.
done.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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