bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
