She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize