when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
