If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Randomize
