You don't have asthma, your pregnant
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
