a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
