i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
