Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
