Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
