its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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