I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
im six kinds of drunk right now
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
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she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
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It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize