life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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