i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
