3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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