hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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