I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
where are my eyebrows?
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