If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
