There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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