dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
