All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
