Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
