Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
there is glitter all over my balls
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