hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
