im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
