morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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