hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
