I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
