are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
