You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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