omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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