listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
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No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
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He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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